Dirty Talk: How to Wipe Your Heels When You Leave the Bedroom

"You fat, dirty, whore."

Great language if this works for you in the bedroom, terrible if this is your Monday morning mantra, your Tuesday affirmation, or your Sunday routine.  

What if I gave you a dollar every time you hit yourself with negativity? Every time you pinched your hips, frowned at yourself in the mirror, beat yourself up for not saving enough money, spending enough time with your kids—the list goes on and on. Would you be in pretty good shape financially? 

No matter how accomplished the women are that I meet and spend time with—and accomplishment can be measured in hundreds of ways—not a single one of them leaves dirty talk in the bedroom. Instead of using language that will build themselves up, they take every opportunity they can to drag themselves down. 

Self-talk, which can be positive or negative, is something that humans have been doing for so long that some of the world’s oldest philosophers’ studied it. In fact, Plato once defined thinking as “the conversation which the soul holds with herself in considering of anything.” 

It’s normal to talk to yourself (whew), but how you talk to yourself matters. When it’s positive, self-talk can increase confidence, concentration and cognitive performance while reducing anxiety and negative emotions. When self-talk’s negative—you bitchy whore—watch out. Negative self-talk (dirty talk) increases depression, anxiety and self-loathing depression and lowers self-esteem. It can also bubble over into how you treat others. “It (negative self-talk) might encourage you to ‘tell that other person off,’ or ‘refuse to be taken advantage of,’ or ‘quit this stupid boss,’ or it might lead to a destructive relationship, or a breakdown in family relations, or isolating yourself from a long-time friend or relative because it helps you to justify that this is the right thing to do,” writes Beverly D. Flaxington for Psychology Today. 

Dirty talk also tends to encourage extreme thinking. “I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I made that mistake. I bet I’ll get fired.” 

Getting fired because you made a mistake is unlikely—we all make mistakes every day. You’re certainly not an idiot because you made one. So, why do we do this to ourselves and how can we fix it?

Why Are Women Dirty Bitches?

The simple answer is that language was developed when our culture was more patriarchal than it is today (shocking, right?). The negative words directed at women were designed to put them in their place and increase the value of men while decreasing that of women. 

Dirty talk was always intended to crush the divine feminine. You can prevent that from happening, by hearing it, holding it and cleaning it up. 

Hear It 

Our brains process an average of 6,000 thoughts a day. So you’ve got to make a conscious effort to hear your dirty talk. When I notice my mood dipping, I pay attention to how I’m talking to myself. Invariably, I’ll notice that I’m getting a little dirty with my bad self.  

Hold It  

Some people like to name their dirty little vixen. There’s something about calling her Sue, or Tina, or whatever name you decide that makes it a little easier to put her in her place. When Sue starts telling you how much weight you’ve gained during the pandemic, you can tell Sue to back off. It’s like talking to a frenemy. I don’t need her, please go away. 

If you’re not into naming parts of yourself, sit with the dirty talk for a minute, recognize that the dirt comes from the emotional part of yourself and calls in the more rational piece of you to clean it up. While you may have made a mistake at work, you probably won’t get fired. Walk through what you’re telling yourself and ask yourself, is this really true? The answer, always, is no. 

Clean It Up 

Think of the things you’ve changed in your life, the things that you’ve overcome and the goals you’ve achieved. You did these things one day at a time, one thought at a time, one action at a time. Dirty talk is no different. Commit to changing it and then make those changes one at a time. 

You’re a vixen. You’ve committed to being your best self. You’ve committed to adhering to your core values. You’ve committed to change through 1,000 small actions undertaken every single day. Don’t leave room for sabotage from dirty Sue. 

Hidden Dirty Words 

The thing about dirty talk, is that it can disguise itself. 

Throughout my life I’ve been told that I’m an overachiever. I used to think overachiever was a good thing, until I started breaking it down. Calling someone an “overachiever” implies that they’re achieving more than their ability. So, because I’m a female, does that mean that my ability to achieve is less than that of a man? 

Not only is the term degrading to your expected abilities, it also only applies to those who follow a traditional life path. Overachievers get straight As, they go to good colleges, get great grades once again and then walk into high paying jobs. But…that’s not how everyone lives. The word “overachiever” ignores everything but paper achievement—school, work, credentials. It says nothing about our emotions, needs, or how true someone is to themselves. 

Once I realized this, I kicked overachiever to the curb and instead brought in super achiever. A super achiever first and foremost goes after what she wants whether it’s a college education, a business opportunity, or a family. She brings her light and her love into everything she does so that her outcomes supersede that of others. Above all, she remains authentic to herself.

Be kind. Keep the dirty talk in the bedroom. Use your voice to support your dreams, not bring you down. Love yourself. Treat yourself like the miracle that you are. 

Scrub These Dirty Words from Your Vocab:

While it’s a no brainer that calling yourself a bitch, whore, or witch isn’t great for the mental health, when directed at women, dozens of the other words that we use to describe women are meant to make them feel, incompetent, crazy, unmanageable, power hungry (and therefore too masculine), or incompetent. Here’s just a few dirty words to eliminate from your vocab:  

• Sassy 
• Feisty 
• Emotional 
• High maintenance 
• Dramatic 
• Intense 
• Forward 
• Frumpy 
• Vivacious 
• Soccer mom 
• Bossy 
• Cougar