Finding Your Radiance: Getting What You Want vs. Getting What You Need

feminine essence

This is the third blog in a four-part series that I’m writing about feminine essence. What it means. Why it matters. How to return to it. How to transition out of it. Make sure not to miss the rest by signing up for our blog here! 


I live by myself and have for years. I love it and there’s nothing I would change about it. At least right now.

Years ago, while COVID was still kicking and the great Texas ice storm of 2021 derailed a big chunk of the state, I had a moment of clarity around my living situation. When the storm hit, I was living in a townhouse. I bought the townhouse in 2018 and meticulously renovated it. I was 42 at the time.

The kink in this story stems from the fact that I never wanted to own a permanent structure—house, townhouse, penthouse, whatever. I’m a bit of a gypsy (I just moved to Nashville, more on that later) and so owning my home has never been something I’ve wanted. I bought the townhouse because it was something I thought I needed. 

Before I owned the townhouse, I lived in a penthouse and thought to myself, “I really should own something.” I wanted to feel rooted and thought owning something would do that. But sitting between COVID and an ice storm changed my mind.

“This sucks,” I thought while dealing with burst pipes. “Why did I think I needed this?”

Where Does Our Need to Need Come From?

Bookstores are full of stories about people who thought they needed to x, y, or z. They needed to go to college. They needed to take over the family business. They felt they needed to hide their homosexuality to conform. The needing part of their story isn’t unique. What’s unique, is waking up one day, refusing what you’ve been told you need and then starting to do what you want instead. 

Humans are dopamine addicts. If you’ve ever watched someone you love watch other people play video games FOR HOURS, you know what I mean. They get a temporary dopamine kick from the stimulation a video game provides (hence the zoned-out look on their face while they’re watching) and they’re completely gone. When we are constantly exposed to stimulation that brings us pleasure, we need more of it to feel normal. Unfortunately, media, marketers, consumerism and society have used this weakness to help tell us what we “need.” 

Here’s an example, ladies, of what we’ve been told that we need in order to feel whole:

  • A career
  • A six-figure salary
  • A husband or partner
  • Children
  • A huge house, an expensive car
  • (Fill in the blank) luxury

Sound familiar?

Do you want that new Mercedes or do you think you need it to achieve some standard or maintain an image?

Do you want to have kids? Or do you think you need them to be complete? 

Do you want your marriage? Or do you feel you need to follow through on a promise?

Do you want more money? Or do you need it to feel more secure? What else can you do—what else do you want—that might bring that security instead?

Today, I rent. It’s not because I can’t afford to own. It’s because I'm going after what I want and what I want is the freedom to move, the freedom not to deal with frozen pipes, the freedom to move when I want and the freedom not to deal with the other BS that goes along with homeownership.

How Leaning Into “Want” Enhances Your Radiance

Once you determine your wants versus needs, take action with a feminine heart. A feminine heart exudes qualities such as:

  • Adventure
  • Compassion
  • Sensuality
  • Playfulness
  • Love
  • Respect
  • Power
  • Gratitude

When you start looking at what you want from a feminine place, what you really need becomes clearer. For example, if you truly want to lose 20 pounds, you may realize that what you really need is to be healthier. That might mean sleeping more, going on more walks and changing your diet, but it may not lead to losing 20 pounds. 

Discovering what you truly need and approaching it with feminine qualities, makes it more fun, more loving and easier to get. Using the above example, what is more fun and loving? Forcing yourself to lose weight or focusing on helping your body feel better? 

When I defined what I really wanted in my living situation—freedom to move around, the ability to try different, cool locations—I naturally approached that want with a feminine essence. I had more fun with my spaces. I had more gratitude for them and I found my adventure in my want versus what I discovered in wants that had been constructed for me. 

Steps for finding what you really want: 
  1. List the things/accomplishments/milestones that you’re constantly telling yourself you “need”
  2. Choose one that you really believe you want
  3. Consider why you think you want it. Now list what you really want
  4. How can you use some of the feminine qualities listed above to get what you want?

Catch up on the latest posts

089: Revisiting Your Goals - Mid-Year Check-In

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