How to Reclaim Your Sexuality
Have you ever had a moment, a year, a decade in your life where you felt as sexy as an eggbeater? One of those periods where you avoid mirrors, social events and maybe even showers (it happens)? For many of us, that describes our entire COVID experience, but losing touch with your sexuality doesn’t have to look grungy. It can also look like an accomplished, well-dressed woman who just happened to step away from herself.
Why (Some of Us) Are Repressed
Most of us don’t think about suppressed sexuality until we’ve experienced it. This frequently happens in marriages, especially after the kids come along and the spouses don’t have enough time together. You know the story. They work hard, do the kid thing and pass out as soon as they hit the pillow way too tired for sex.
I felt my own sexual repression during my marriage to a substance abuser, a topic that I’ve touched on previously. However, it wasn’t until I started thinking about what became Vixen that I really leaned into collective sexual repression. Sexual repression has been threatening femininity since the beginning of time. Most recently, it’s been encouraged through pornography.
When I started Vixen, I wanted to call it Vixen Enterprises, but that domain is owned by a pornography company. Fine. It makes sense since 37 percent of the Internet is made up of porn, but the contrast between what it means to be a Vixen woman and what it means to be a Vixen Enterprises woman was stark. Vixen women are doing the deep work of returning to themselves which means, among other things, reclaiming their sexuality. Vixen Enterprises seeks to sexually objectify women.
Regardless of your thoughts on porn, studies show that it teaches sexist and sexually objectifying behaviors that can lead to hostile sexism. Through pornography and misguided, misogynistic beliefs rife in our culture, woman have been taught to ignore their own sexuality. We’ve been conditioned to put other people first, which innately turns us away from meeting our own needs. We’ve been given specific rules about sexuality that we’re expected to adhere to and we’ve been shamed into thinking that we are not good enough.
Lean Into Vulnerability
I stepped into the consciousness of my own repressed sexuality after my divorce. My husband was addicted to cocaine and, as you can imagine, his needs for that drug trumped all else including his affection for me.
Right after we divorced, I jumped into a relationship with a guy who wanted me 24/7. Physically, I was in such need for human touch that it’s no surprise that I fell into it with this guy. However, he got a little crazy, started stalking me and broke into my apartment. When he went to jail, I had a choice—let the trauma from both of the relationships overtake me, or lean into vulnerability.
Vulnerability is one of the most beautiful things about being a woman. When I was faced the choice to hold onto it or let it go, I remember thinking, “I’m not going to let someone else take that away from me. I’m not going to apologize for being vulnerable.”
I bet you or your friends or both have experienced moments like these, times where you’ve had to make a decision: Do I put up a wall and close myself off or let that beautiful vulnerability shine through?
There’s a term in psychology—the beautiful mess effect. This refers to our willingness to see beauty in the vulnerability of others, but not in ourselves. Reclaiming your sexuality means seeing, embracing and loving the vulnerability within yourself. We do it for our friends. It’s time that we start doing it for ourselves as well.
Own It
It’s cliche to have sex with someone on the third date. Yet when I first started dating after those two hard relationships, I went out with this one guy and when he put his arm around me on date three, I definitely felt that cliche. Yes, women need to have boundaries around sex, but if you’re really reclaiming your sexuality, you have to release the rules around sexuality that have been created for you by society. The three-date rule is a social construct. If it doesn’t work for you, own it!
Sexuality Beyond the Body
Studies have shown that vulnerability and feeling sexy have positive effects that extend beyond the body and physical needs. Both can increase creativity, confidence and help a person become more successful.
I can definitely attest to this. When I got divorced, I was young and accomplished. I wore great clothes and from the outside, I looked put together. However, it didn’t matter what I wore (and I love clothes), who I was with, where I went, or what I had accomplished. I never felt sexy.
Feeling sexy and embodying your sexual being requires feeling like a whole woman. Women get pulled in so many directions—they are employee, boss, mother, sister, friend—that we often forget about ourselves. You are a woman. You are beautiful. You are kind. You are whole and until you give that wholeness attention, reclaiming your sexuality will be challenging. If you feel yourself walking away from your wholeness or sexuality because of responsibility for others, you are missing the mark.
Sexy Communication
When I started reclaiming my own sexuality, I looked to my friends for help. What I noticed is that many of them either don’t talk about sex or are really slow to talk about it. But once I get them going, wow, watch out!
Talking about sex with girlfriends or people you trust is a safe and dynamic way to open up to your own sexuality. Of course, this also means having open communication with your partner.
My current partner and I often talk about sexuality. These conversations have a depth that extends beyond “well what do you like?” I give a lot in my relationships and have spent much of my life feeling responsible for other people. So, it can be hard for me to receive love. My partner and I actively work on this by talking about giving and receiving, how it’s a cycle and how we can be vulnerable with one another in order to continue that beautiful halo.
Getting that Something-Something Back
Not only does reclaiming your sexuality lead to a better sex life (who doesn’t want that?), but it also brings you into the world differently. Once I started reclaiming my sexuality, I showed up differently to work and in my personal life. I felt better, I was happier and more confident and people noticed.
I also found that when I opened up sexually, I opened up more generally in my life. My connections and relationships with co-workers and loved ones improved, I noticed that I was more gracious with people and I was generally more open with people about what I wanted.
Five Tips for Reclaiming Your Sexuality
- Practice using your voice. This doesn’t have to relate to sex—it can be in anything
- Commit to vulnerability, but carefully choose who you’re vulnerable with
- Start talking about sex—with your friends, your partner and other trusted partners
- Reconnect with your body
- Reject social rules about sex that don’t work for you
