Mastering the Art of Graceful Boundary Setting

Setting boundaries is a fundamental aspect of personal growth and maintaining healthy relationships. Over the years, I've learned the importance of setting, maintaining, and gracefully keeping boundaries. In this blog, I’ll share my insights and experiences with you that I’ve gained over the years..

The Evolution of My Boundaries

Looking back, I can see that I had a good handle on boundaries at the age of 18. However, as life unfolded, my boundaries seemed to fade away. It wasn't until 2019, that as a business owner, I realized just how crucial boundaries were in my life, especially when I decided to sell my financial practice. As entrepreneurs, we can spread ourselves so thin that it’s crucial to have good skills when it comes to setting boundaries so we don’t burn out. 

What I've come to understand is that boundaries evolve with our circumstances. What worked in one phase of my life didn't necessarily apply in another. Recognizing this evolution was the first step in setting boundaries effectively. So, it’s important to ask yourself on your boundaries journey, “What works for me? What doesn’t?”

The Graceful Art of Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries isn't about building walls; it's about creating a safe and respectful space for both yourself and others. One of the key lessons I've learned is the importance of setting boundaries thoughtfully. Instead of reacting impulsively, it's crucial to take a moment to reflect on why you need a boundary and what you want to protect by setting that boundary.

Pro Hack #1: Recognize Resentment - Resentment often signals the need for a boundary. When you find yourself feeling resentful towards someone or a situation, it's a clear sign that it's time to consider what you need to protect and how to do it in a healthy way.

Pro Hack #2: Know Your Core Values - Your boundaries typically align with your core values. Understanding what truly matters to you can be a guiding light in setting meaningful boundaries. For instance, if peace is a core value and someone disrupts that peace consistently, it's a clear signal to set boundaries. (Don’t know what your core values are? Download our Core Values Worksheet–a Vixen favorite.)

Pro Hack #3: The Sandwich Conversation - When it's time to have difficult conversations to set boundaries, remember the sandwich conversation approach. Start on a positive note, address the issue in the middle, and end with positivity. This method fosters a more constructive dialogue, especially with those you wish to keep in your life.

The Framework for Setting Boundaries

The "how" of setting boundaries involves three essential aspects:

Time Boundaries - Decide when you are available for different aspects of your life. Are you available to your family during dinner, or is that sacred family time? When at work, define when you can be reached by whom and through what means. Time is precious, so setting boundaries around it is essential.

For Whom Are You Available? - Identify who has access to your time and energy. Consider who truly deserves your attention and under what circumstances. Being intentional about this can prevent overextending yourself.

Communication Channels - Determine the best way for people to reach you. Whether it's through email, phone, or other messaging platforms, set clear expectations for communication. This not only helps you manage your time better but also reduces stress.

The Importance of Timing

Before initiating a boundary-setting conversation, check your emotional state. If you're hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.), it's not the right time to have that conversation. Politely request to schedule it for a more suitable time when you can communicate effectively and avoid unnecessary conflicts.

Embracing the Rollercoaster of Progress

Finally, remember that personal growth and setting boundaries is not a linear journey. It's more like a rollercoaster ride with ups, downs, and unexpected loops. After a difficult conversation, it's essential to engage in activities you enjoy to release tension. Reflect on the conversation later when you're in a more relaxed state. Progress isn't always pretty, and it's okay to give yourself grace along the way. I always say that learning to set boundaries is like a toddler learning to walk; you’re going to fall down. So when you do, remember to give yourself some grace.